My First Art Page

I like art and I like that it doesn't matter my level of skill as long as I keep at it. That is why I started making art pages even though I wasn't very good at it. Now, I've decided to share. It's not because my skills are suddenly stupendous and I can wow an audience with everything I imagine but because I really want to share. So, this is the first page I made:

I like that my initial idea was pretty sound but the execution was lacking. A gesso base with water colour on top was great but I discovered (by accident) that nothing really goes on top of oil pastel even though it gives a wonderful textured finish. I had to scrub it off in places I wanted the words to stick but it wasn't as good as I had hoped anyway.

The haiku was written as part of the years 100 Haiku Challenge while the blurry lyrics are from a song by Celine Dion. I'd have to say it wasn't too bad…for a first attempt.

Blocked Artistry

I've always had a rather interesting creative life. It was more like fighting with my demons at every turn and with each failure or success, I watched the blood flow onto the page as my art. But after many years of fighting I am finally putting some of my demons to bed. I have embraced a little sanity after years of depression. It feels so good I can hardly understand how I called it living before. Best of all I am happy about who I am and everything I have accomplished in the past…so why can't I create anything worth a damn?

I am frustrated by it. But in a move I can only consider inspired, I reached into my library and found Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way. Now, I've had this book a good long time and I've read it and reread it several times over the years but while I knew it could help me in some way I never understood just how much, until now. On the 15^th page of the introduction she says, "…I stopped drinking. I never thought drinking made me a writer, but now I suddenly thought not drinking might make me stop." In those words I could see my fear fully expressed. I never thought depression helped me write or draw or paint but I'm beginning to wonder if perhaps the lack of it has stopped me.

I spent so much time trying to mitigate the effects of my dark and lonely feelings that I never learnt to do anything else. Now that the opportunity is available to me, I'm not sure what I should do. Julia Cameron would probably tell me to start again at the beginning; take the course and discover and recover my creative self. I think it might be a good idea. So for the next 12 weeks I want to try working my way through The Artist's Way and being as good as I can about accomplishing it. In all my other attempts I have failed in one of two ways; I never did all the work (skimping on morning pages and never going on artist dates) or stopping before I could see any real progress.

I do not know if sanity imbues me with any unnatural super powers but I hope it means I won't be fighting against myself so much. If that's the case, I might just have a real chance this time. Updates will come as I make my way through the minefield that is my creative motivation and perhaps I will put the demons lying there to rest as well.

NaNoWriMo Complete

There was a time there when I didn't think I was going to make it. Something about my novel just didn't mesh and i thought I would have to start again just to fix the problem. Thank goodness for the madness that is a looming deadline. Instead of going crazy about stuff already written, I kept forging ahead and I am now the proud writer of a complete romance novel and a bearer of the NaNoWriMo winning banner.

And the final word count, one might ask:

66,163

50,000 Words and...

Another year of writing and my story isn't finished even though I've reached 50,000 words. I should be used to it by now. But I guess I still have a way to go.

I Call it Heart-Speak

My NaNoWriMo novel is about a couple separated by so many things it seems like they might never come together. Yet they are blessed with one wonderful and frightening gift. I call it Heart-Speak. They can communicate with their minds over time and space in order to find each other, love each other and change the world they live in forever.

I love the idea of it. It's special. It is something I have always hoped for because relationships can be crazy and there are times when it is useful to have someone who can just read your mind. But I've found something else in the midst of this search. Not someone who can read my mind but rather something that speaks to my heart.

I just finished watching Julie & Julia [2009] and while I love both Meryl Streep and Amy Adams, the story they told as these two women was far greater than I expected. It is a call to all women – perhaps even all people – to connect, to love freely, to laugh, to cry, to cook…and yes, to eat. To take up insane challenges and meet them even when we want to throw in the towel…and the kitchen sink. Blogs, books, poetry, notes and memos are useful to communicate but I don't think I have ever felt that it was magical too…until now. I write stories because I love to. Who knows what else they can do?

I have a NaNoWriMo motto that reads, "I write because I love it, the insanity is extra free." Perhaps I should change that to, "…the magic is extra free." Because there can be no writing that isn't an investment of ourselves into something…more! We are putting a little mark on the world even when the world doesn't know it. There are people out there who have something to say…something to share. Perhaps there are too many voices and it becomes hard to hear a single song amongst them but I hope I do. I hope I can find that voice that speaks to me across time and space just because it was written down.

I hope I can open my heart to every song that resonates with something inside me. Julia Powell found it in a cookbook by Julie Child, a one year challenge and a friendship separated by an ocean and more than 50 years. I hope I can find it a little closer to home with hands across the ocean and words on this screen. I want to open my heart to this practice of singing my song clear and listening to what others have to say. It is a gift as wonderful and frightening as reading people's minds yet I cannot back down from the challenge. So I guess that leaves taking it on.

First Day First

In my five-year history of doing NaNoWriMo this is the first time I have failed to post a fantastic first-day word count. In fact, other than opening a document with the title of my novel The Darlings, and getting the basics of who wrote it and for what reason (NaNoWriMo 2009 Novel), I haven' don't much of anything. The two blog posts are already far ahead of whatever I have on my novel and posting a pathetic count of only 68 words (mainly because I threw in my address) didn't seem worth it.

I have every hope that I will do a better job with day two. Even though I am only just getting down to writing, I have the advantage of a real outline; something I didn't have yesterday. I had tried to procrastinate it away but it wasn't happening. A nation wide power black-out yesterday night might have contributed to my miniscule word count but it also had the amazing advantage of getting me to consider what I wanted to do and how it was going to look in glorious chapter form. For that, I am eternally grateful to the unreliability of our current power supply. I just hope this is a one time thing and I don't have to deal with it later in the month.

I think with what I've managed to do so far, I'll be able to design a cover that really speaks to the rest of the story while getting my synopsis done. The wonderful people at FWIS.com are also having a challenge that involves creating covers for 30 NaNoWriMo books during the 30-day challenge period. With a clear synopsis I would qualify for the competition but I also like the idea that they will give someone like me – a cover layout novice – a very good idea of what goes into making a winning cover especially when the information available is as little as a blurb.

NaNoWriMo is Here Again

I find it interesting that my year is no longer determined by the New Year. Instead I am very aware that another year has gone by when NaNoWriMo comes along. This is the fifth year I am participating in this High Octane Novel Writing Extravaganza and I love it. But this year is already proving to have some unusual problems. For starters, my idea is not very clear and while I usually hit the ground running, I'm not even done clarifying what my novel is going to be about exactly.

Lucky for me, NaNoWriMo highly encourages this 'off the sit of your pants' kind of writing and thinking and acting so I'm not too afraid. I would like to have a complete panic fit and run screaming from my computer but I know the pounding in my chest, the constriction in my airways, the blurry vision and loss of consciousness is part of the wonderful madness that goes with writing a 50,000 word novella in a month.

So here we go again! Deep breath. Full body sigh. And…ACTION!

IF: Infinite

Nothing is worse than giving up because that is what failure truly is. I nearly stopped illustrating because of so many reasons but I refuse to fail and it is with pride and joy that I return at last.

"Finite is to fail, but infinite to venture." Emily Dickinson

Stepping Out

It's so easy to get lost in my head - mainly because it's so intereting there. But while escapism has its benefits it is usually a lot wiser to face whatever I am trying to escape from. That is why I am doing my best to step out of my head and into the world. It would be nice if it was easy. It would be great to feel like I was doing the right thing. Sadly, it just fills me with cold sweats and makes me want to slam the door shut.

The only trouble is I am tired of being lonely. I am tired of feeling so alone. If there was another way to do this, I would gladly sign up for it but I may have to go through some discomfort before I finally step into a great new world of wonder. It's a lot like teething. It hurts for a while but its a welcome new world of chewable food on the other side.

Now if I could just make it through without feeling like my heart was being reaped out of my chest.

Attack of the Body Snatcher

If I took a break from my life would it still be my life?

I just wanted to take some time away and figure out if this was something I really wanted to do. The only trouble with that is, it came at a time when I found the process of creating anything at all very difficult. So Illustration Friday is on a break - but then again - so is everything else I've been trying to do. The effects are making me wonder about a lot more than my artistic talents.

The weekly writing challenge has remained unchallenged for nearly two months. The usually weekly newsletter is a month behind schedule and there is evidence enough here of just how well IF has been going. Somewhere along the way I lost the plot and I'm not sure if I can recapture it.

So with such a bad showing, I have to wonder...is this really me or am I living proof that there really is something like a body snatcher? Because it walks like me and talks like me but I don't think it's me any more. I think maybe I just took a break and forgot to take my body with me. I wonder how I would sort that out. I wonder how I can feel so broken - it is , after all, just a little undone art. Right?

Illustration Friday: Shaky

On shaky ground...

...in more ways than one.

Illustration Friday: Worn

I've been away a while but I knew I couldn't let another Illustration Friday go by without an attempt. I'm trying something different and hoping it will work but so far... I figure it's still better to do bad art than to do no art so this is me getting my head back in gear.

I like to call this image 'the bag lady and the mannequin'. Make it a metaphor if you please or take it as it is. I just hope the idea of worn gets across.