I bought a
car. The need outweighed the fear that had kept me from giving it a
shot. I knew I needed to make a change. When the car finally
arrived, I was not excited. I could feel my heart beating a thousand
times a minute as I contemplated a hundred terrible scenarios – two of which I
had already lived through. Car accidents scare me – with good
reason. I was determined to never have a car accident again.
So when I got
into the driver’s sit, after nearly 10 years away, I vowed that I would drive
with ‘confidence and courtesy’. One about how I would feel on the inside,
the other about how I would treat other motorists. A good plan.
Except it wasn’t working. Small things would leave my heart pounding; if
accelerated too fast, braked too hard or just forgot to check my mirrors.
I was convinced I
was driving badly and an accident was around the corner.
Inside my head
there was a voice that pointed out everything I did wrong and kept repeating
the refrain: stupid, stupid, stupid. Nothing had gone wrong.
Nothing bad had happened. I had not had an accident where I was entirely
at fault and murdered fellow motorists and pedestrians in a malicious vehicular
attack. It was the response to slowing down to take a bump and nearly
getting stuck half way through or coming to a stop a little too close to the
gate on my way into the office park where I work or the near miss at a junction
when I panicked at the sight of a speeding bus coming at me and nearly tail
ended the car in front of me in a bid to get out of the way.
But all I saw was
the ‘panicked’ which was far from confident. Forgetting the ‘nearly’ that
said I hadn’t done anything wrong. A part of me unhappily adding, “YET!”
I didn’t remember the courtesy but when I did it out of the desire to
balance out some cosmic arithmetic; paying forward the courtesy in the hope of
forestalling some future Karmic backlash. I was acting out of fear and it
made everything sour.
The fear is
real. Having an accident is a possibility. Experienced,
professional drivers can have them just as novices can. Sometimes shit
happens (because nothing says it better than a cliché). I can only do
three things: Obey the traffic rules, drive my car with care and treat other
motorists the way I would like to be treated. These are not difficult
undertakings. Except all of them turn into something to be afraid of when
I cannot embrace two things: the possibility of failure and the chance to show
myself some compassion.
I’m not ready to
review Self
Compassion by Kristin Neff as I had planned for this week. But while
I am making my way through it, I am beginning to hear the voice of
self-criticism clearly. Perhaps with time that voice will be quieter,
kinder and gentler with me. Leaving behind a voice that is confident and
courteous - to me!
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