Friday, October 1, 2010

Nothing New?

I'd like to blame the lack of artistic endeavor on my computer problems.  No computer can be blamed for making me feel like I didn't have the right resources to get the job done.  Or with an untrustworthy computer there is no way I am putting my creative work into it when the greatest fear I have is that it will suddenly go burst and everything I have worked on will disappear.  (Okay maybe that last one is a little valid.)

But the truth is, I haven't done any creative work because I haven't done any creative work.  I have ideas but I never put them to use.  I have creative urgings but I tell myself they can wait.  What they are waiting for is obviously beyond me but if I knew the 'real' reason it would be to easy to just get on with it.  Lucky for me, I found this book - The Right Questions - at a local bookstore.  It was second hand so the price was just right for my thin pocket but it has been a priceless gem in a very uncertain time.

Letting go of some of the ideas I have about what I OUGHT to do and how I MUST do it has been great but I have also come to realize that I  still have issues - even with my depression in remission for over a year.  I'm learning - probably for the first time ever - that I have to pay attention to my current life as a lesson rather than as a fixed reality.  Knowing what I want and not finding it in how I live is the perfect way to understand what I have been investing in all along...and what I need to change.

I'm not sure how having a broken down PC fits into all this but I know what letting my creative work slip means: I am not doing my best to nurture myself because a small part of me is waiting on some knight in shining armor to come save me.  The urge isn't going to disappear.  But now that I'm aware of it, I think I might be able to short circuit that mode of thinking.  In the meantime, I wonder if there is something new I can do.

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