I'd like to blame the lack of artistic endeavor on my computer problems. No computer can be blamed for making me feel like I didn't have the right resources to get the job done. Or with an untrustworthy computer there is no way I am putting my creative work into it when the greatest fear I have is that it will suddenly go burst and everything I have worked on will disappear. (Okay maybe that last one is a little valid.)
But the truth is, I haven't done any creative work because I haven't done any creative work. I have ideas but I never put them to use. I have creative urgings but I tell myself they can wait. What they are waiting for is obviously beyond me but if I knew the 'real' reason it would be to easy to just get on with it. Lucky for me, I found this book - The Right Questions - at a local bookstore. It was second hand so the price was just right for my thin pocket but it has been a priceless gem in a very uncertain time.
Letting go of some of the ideas I have about what I OUGHT to do and how I MUST do it has been great but I have also come to realize that I still have issues - even with my depression in remission for over a year. I'm learning - probably for the first time ever - that I have to pay attention to my current life as a lesson rather than as a fixed reality. Knowing what I want and not finding it in how I live is the perfect way to understand what I have been investing in all along...and what I need to change.
I'm not sure how having a broken down PC fits into all this but I know what letting my creative work slip means: I am not doing my best to nurture myself because a small part of me is waiting on some knight in shining armor to come save me. The urge isn't going to disappear. But now that I'm aware of it, I think I might be able to short circuit that mode of thinking. In the meantime, I wonder if there is something new I can do.
