NaNoWriMo 2015

There is something reassuring about a routine.  Knowing exactly what is going to happen and when leaves your mind free to get other things done while you wait and puts you in the right frame of mind when your attention is required.  That's what NaNoWriMo has become for me.  I don't have to think about what I will be doing in November.  It's given that I will write a 50,000 word manuscript. Sometimes, I will hate it but most times I will be too busy having a ball (and sharing the experience with others) to care that I have embarked on what most people would call an 'insane writing challenge'.

I look forward to the month like I am waiting for something special to happen...and every year it does.  With my attention fully intent on creating something from scratch, I make the time and give of my effort and come up with a book in 30 short days.  I know it's possible.  I've done it before.  And while that reassurance means I can do it again, it doesn't always mean I can do it well.

Sometimes it has been hard and other times it has been really easy.  Sometimes I start of in one frame of mind then go through a hundred different variations before month is over.  But I always finish with the same feeling.  Whatever I have done, I am always astounded by the sense of accomplishment that comes with putting myself into my writing and coming up with something that wasn't there before.

Then there are the products of that writing.  A few are stories that I will one day share (watch this space).  Others will never see the light of day.  A very few will fall under the care of a word processing surgeon and be cut up and put back together in ways I might not have imagined while I was putting them down the first time around.  This is the magic of the rewrite and editing. (A part of the creative process I have not found as much love for just yet.)

Such is the nature of writing.  Doing it in this fast paced writing challenge makes it easy to do things I might not otherwise try.  Being okay with them if they don't work out or being utterly impressed with myself when they do.  If you want to find out more about what I have been doing for the past decade every November, check out NaNoWriMo.org.  Perhaps you'll find a little bit of your own magic in the annual habit of writing a novel in a month.

Learning Self Compassion with Kristin Neff

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I'm not crazy about work books.  It's a 'me thing'.  I prefer a book that requires my attention but doesn't make demands of me. Things are simpler that way. But if I was to ever recommend a workbook...Kristin Neff's Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself is a must.  Not only are the exercises accessible, they are essential.  Each one provides a strategy to engage with Self Compassion and bring yourself that much closer a healthier and happier life.

The timing of this book was perfect for me.  I have been struggling with so many things and it felt like there was no way out. I learnt that asking for help was a step in the right direction but it is not enough.  I cannot make my problems someone else's burden. Yet even without a response from those I approached there was a moment of relief.  The understanding that I was not alone in my struggle somehow made that struggle easier.

It is from reading Kristin Neff's book that I now understand what was happening.  In asking for help I did two things; I acknowledged my suffering and I accepted that while I didn't have an answer there were other that might.  Two very important concepts in the practice of self-compassion: common humanity and mindfulness.  The third, which I lacked (and could not fully comprehend) was self-kindness.

Being kind to myself felt like a reward for 'bad behaviour'.  If I was going to screw up, why would I say to myself, "I am sorry that you are going through a hard time for the crap you pulled"?  It felt right to be angry with myself.  Yet after years of doing just that I had nothing to show for it.  I was ready for something new and with a little more scepticism than was deserved, I set forth to make a real attempt at self-compassion.

I would have loved to automatically find myself perfectly able to be compassionate with myself.  It is a slow going process (one I am unlikely to be done with any time soon).  But I have been furnished with tools that work and I am more than ready to put them to use.  Even after only a few weeks, I can see a difference in how I relate to myself and, even more surprising, how I relate to those around me.

Different Perspectives

I’m putting The Art of Asking by Amanda Palmer on my reading list (just as soon as I buy it).  Not only because I have seen her TED talk or because the foreword is by Brené Brown author of I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn’t.  But because I get it.

I get how we open up parts of our hearts and minds when we ask for help.  I have been there.  I have found myself at the end of my rope with nowhere to turn but to those around me.  I have found help in the most unlikely places and been reminded that there is a common humanity joining us all together.

 But it is hard.  The shame of self-condemnation is so strong; the voice inside my head offering up only one perspective.  One where asking for help is admitting the worst about myself.  To that angry inner voice, there is little defense as it boldly declares:

“You should be able to figure this out.  You should help yourself…aren’t you smart enough, good enough, strong enough?  Is this what independence looks like?  You’re a fool and a failure.  You suck and you’re stupid.  And who can help anyway?  Nobody!  Nobody cares.  Nobody understands.  You’re all alone.  You will suck…forever.  You will be in this dark, shitty, lonely place…forever.”

And on it goes beating at the parts of you that are already weak and terrified and sad.  The result being you stay stuck exactly where you are…forever!

While there is a violent attack on the self, there is another way of looking at this same thing.  One that I learned only after I decided I wasn’t going to listen to the hateful self-talk and remain where I was.   Asking for help offers a strong vibrant thread of self-compassion that says:

“I am going through something difficult.  I am not alone in this problem…or this world.  I can find a solution or at the very least, someone who understand.  Because I let myself admit where I am weak or lacking or afraid, I can find the help I need.”

That alone removes the sting of shame and extends the hand of care and kindness back to ourselves.  From that one act, we find strength instead of weakness; the resilience born out of courage and vulnerability.  And of the asking we have done of others?  That may indeed provide answers and solutions but we have already take the biggest step to making things better.

Asking for help offers what is that much harder to come by: hope.  In the face of the despair created by failure, fear, and feeling lost and alone…what could be better?

Confidence and Courtesy

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I bought a car.  The need outweighed the fear that had kept me from giving it a shot.  I knew I needed to make a change.  When the car finally arrived, I was not excited.  I could feel my heart beating a thousand times a minute as I contemplated a hundred terrible scenarios – two of which I had already lived through.  Car accidents scare me – with good reason.  I was determined to never have a car accident again.

So when I got into the driver’s sit, after nearly 10 years away, I vowed that I would drive with ‘confidence and courtesy’.  One about how I would feel on the inside, the other about how I would treat other motorists.  A good plan.  Except it wasn’t working.  Small things would leave my heart pounding; if accelerated too fast, braked too hard or just forgot to check my mirrors.

I was convinced I was driving badly and an accident was around the corner.

Inside my head there was a voice that pointed out everything I did wrong and kept repeating the refrain: stupid, stupid, stupid.  Nothing had gone wrong.  Nothing bad had happened.  I had not had an accident where I was entirely at fault and murdered fellow motorists and pedestrians in a malicious vehicular attack.  It was the response to slowing down to take a bump and nearly getting stuck half way through or coming to a stop a little too close to the gate on my way into the office park where I work or the near miss at a junction when I panicked at the sight of a speeding bus coming at me and nearly tail ended the car in front of me in a bid to get out of the way.

But all I saw was the ‘panicked’ which was far from confident.  Forgetting the ‘nearly’ that said I hadn’t done anything wrong.  A part of me unhappily adding, “YET!”  I didn’t remember the courtesy but when I did it out of the desire to balance out some cosmic arithmetic; paying forward the courtesy in the hope of forestalling some future Karmic backlash.  I was acting out of fear and it made everything sour.

The fear is real.  Having an accident is a possibility.  Experienced, professional drivers can have them just as novices can.  Sometimes shit happens (because nothing says it better than a cliché).  I can only do three things: Obey the traffic rules, drive my car with care and treat other motorists the way I would like to be treated.  These are not difficult undertakings.  Except all of them turn into something to be afraid of when I cannot embrace two things: the possibility of failure and the chance to show myself some compassion.

I’m not ready to review Self Compassion by Kristin Neff as I had planned for this week.  But while I am making my way through it, I am beginning to hear the voice of self-criticism clearly.  Perhaps with time that voice will be quieter, kinder and gentler with me.  Leaving behind a voice that is confident and courteous - to me!

The Beginning Again

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      It’s the new year and everything is magic, right?  It doesn’t feel like that for me.   It feels like the last year was only a few days ago and I am pretty much the same person I was then.  The date on the calendar might have changed (like it does every day) but I haven’t.  Yet it feels like I have to embrace this New Year with something equally new and exciting otherwise I’m letting myself down in some unknown cosmic fashion.
     That is why, even though the magic escapes me, I have decided to start posting on my blog like I intended to when I first registered for it two and half years ago.  New beginning can happen at any time(and I make a point of embracing them whenever it feels right).  The beginning of another year is just convenient and there is nothing wrong with taking advantage of that.  So if I cannot embrace the magic of the new year…perhaps I can embrace a personal intention that has been lingering in the back of my mind for far too long.
    It doesn’t hurt that there are things I want to say; ideas I want to express.  In the style of Tracey Dawson, a Sony Pictures television writer, my theme for 2015 is ‘PUT IT OUT THERE’.  It finished first in a close race with ‘That comfort zone will kill you.’  Both are compelling reasons to do this.  Both would have felt a little strange at any other time of the year. Perhaps there is something serendipitous in play here.
     All around me are the calls to make 2015 the best year of my life.  Advice is pouring into my mailbox on how to make the right plans and great resolutions so that I have the best chance at success.  But I can tell you it isn’t easy.  So I’m doing something small; posting once a week on Wednesdays.  Every other week will include a book review for something I have read as I embark on Good Reads 2015 Reading Challenge which is a great way to kill two birds with one stone.
     I intend to do something.  I hope it is something good.

Live, Love, Laugh

I thought I would never get this done.  The base was relatively easy to make.  The background is acrylic pain on watercolour paper.  The heart is made with poured acrylic as described by Debbie Arnold in THIS video.

I don't have gel medium (mine went hard and I wasn't able to recover it) so I used the same purple acrylic paint to adhere the heart.  The result was an unexpected shadow which I really like.  There's a bot of a shine from the iridescent copper/metallic copper paint I used.  This is the same pain I used on the back of the tags.

The pockets for the tags was made with standard vellum.  I initially stuck it down with double sided tape but didn't like how it looked.  The stitching was the best way to cover up the marks from the strips of glue.  I liked how it looked so much that I decided to stitch around the heart as well.

The tags were made with acrylic paint.  I cut them out added the paper on the back and covered that with the metallic copper acrylic paint.  I added the hole protectors on the back and front then used a pen with white artist ink to write the titles.  On the back of the tags, I put stickers that correspond to the three topics.

Here are the tags outside the page.  I haven't made up my mind about adding string to the end of the tags so for now they are going to remain plain.

What Did We Do Before the Internet?

Whenever I'm thin on inspiration (which can be very often sometimes) I look to the internet.  Poetry first lines, writing prompts, challenges & sprints, pictures to give you an idea of what's possible and more recently the joy of tutorials and videos on YouTube.  All these things have added to my creative ability and provide both inspiration and a sense of community.

The internet has changed the way I look at my creative journey.  A teacher in the same location, offering an affordable price was the first and often only choice available.  Books offered a close second.  All that has changed.  Free online tutorials that show the step-by-step accomplishment of a creative task offer reference at the touch of my fingers.  Online courses bring the teacher into my studio and interaction with other creative people brings the community to me.

So if you are stuck for ideas and looking for something to work with check out the Net...it's a great place to start.

Is this Love?

I wasn't sure what to do this week.  That's what happens when a good resolutions meets up with bad planning.  It is one of the reasons New Year's resolutions never make it very far.  Carried on the wave of excitement and anticipation I made a decision but didn't put a lot of thought into what that decision was going to mean in real terms.

It is a testament to my dedication that I not only made it through week three but that I have every intention of going froward from here.  But I cannot ignore the fact that I only made it this far with some help.

Stuck for an ideas I went trolling through my favourite source of ideas...the internet.  This weeks page is a reproduction of Limor Webber's mixed media Friday art journal page on YouTube.  You can visit the thread HERE.  This particular page was inspired by THIS VIDEO. 

I used different colours and since I didn't have the templates she did, I either made them for myself using cereal box card.  The repeated print pattern on the (handmade) envelope was made by pulling stamps from different stamp packs that fit the theme onto an acrylic block and stamping them as a single image.